Character Training
Becoming a parent can trigger excitement as you think back fondly on your own experiences and look forward to reliving those memories with your offspring. For some it may be team sports while others it may be dance classes, high school friendships or college memories. I thought about each phase and with no exception was giddy to walk through some of those things with my own children. Although my girls never wanted to do dance classes and could not care any less about my high school resume, it has been fun supporting the journey they now own.
What is easily forgotten are the numerous stages that must be navigated before even thinking about group classes and sports practices. Sleep training, feeding schedules, fine and gross motor skill development are a just a few, but you get the picture. Then there’s the tantrums, the potty training and the fights over ‘how many bites’ at the table. It’s not a matter of IF but a matter of WHEN the battles will occur, and while we may simply wish them to pass, there is deep value in leaning into each stage. For within each area, welcomed or dreaded, lies a plethora of opportunities for character training.
It starts in the newborn phase when you are figuring out how to just get a full night’s sleep, for the love of all things good and holy. The patterns and rhythms laid early on continue when you are reading your toddler that book for the hundredth time just to be assured their eyes are finally closed. When it comes to parenting, hands down the part that I consider one of the most important aspects, and that usually gets the least amount of focus, is the character training.
Parenting is primarily about training. We are given the unbelievable privilege to equip and prepare our children to launch into the world. Launching into the world includes being ready to navigate difficult relationships, pressing deadlines, social pressures, religious and racial persecution, anxious thoughts, challenging circumstances, deep disappointments, career accomplishments, money management and the list goes on.
However, we want to be intentional in the way we view each conflict, each discussion, each boundary battle with your child. The tears and the celebrations are working together to create who they are and how they view the world. Education is not primarily about the grades, but about how you handle the time management, how you handle the social pressures, how you handle the disappointments along the way.
Each child is different and so this is where the fun comes in for you. Let me be the cheerleader, toes pointed and spirit sprinkles in the air, reminding you that you can begin now to pray and work with your children on the character qualities that you desire for them to possess as contributing members of your family and of society.
A few things to keep in mind as you go along the way:
Start with you.
Did I just lose you? We know, no matter how difficult it may be, the starting place is to look at our own hearts before asking our children to follow our lead. We won’t be perfect and we may all need counseling when we get older, but the point is that they see you traveling with them through this and modeling as you go.
This process is as much about your character training as it is about your child’s.
The Bible says in Romans 5:3, that '“character is formed through suffering, which produces endurance. So view each battle, each disappointment, and each tear as part of forming your character as well as your child. It’s always a both/and, forming a beautiful picture of redemption in each of your lives.
Define your terms.
Be mindful and develop a working vocabulary of the various character traits. This is key when deciding which areas you want to focus on with your child. For a great place to start, THIS RESOURCE from characterfirst.com is phenomenal. In one place, you can view alphabetically the various traits and the definitions, ranging from alertness to wisdom. From there, jump off and dive deep into the areas that you deeply value.
A book that is a great resource is The Book of Virtues by William J Bennett. Each section goes through a different character trait and applies it to literature, poetry, and moral stories. They also have the Children’s Book of Virtues that are for the younger ages and is beautifully illustrated and a bit more inviting for children.
If you are a person of faith, may I also encourage you to use the words in scripture as the primary way to form your concepts of character? When I use words from scripture I am mindful of two things: 1. this goes beyond my preferences and stays grounded in true and lasting virtue, and 2. the fruit that I’m desiring to see in my life and in the life of my children is a work of the Spirit.
ask questions.
Two questions that I have found extremely helpful as I hone the traits I desire for myself and my children are: 1. To what end? and 2. Why THIS vs. THAT.
First, I in response to any character trait I ask, “To what end?” If I want my child to be responsible, then it helps me to define the why behind the trait. Responsibility can be seen in a variety of different ways, so answering the question, “to what end”, will help you clarify why you want them to have that character trait. If I want my child to be diligent, is it because I want them to be a hard worker and make a lot of money so they are rich and powerful? Or do I want my child to be diligent so they will be a man/woman who is reliable to finish the task? Asking the why questions will help you clarify the most important aspects of that character trait.
The second question, refers to understanding the opposite of the particular trait. For example, if I want to focus on boldness, it helps to understand the enemy of boldness which is fearfulness. Maybe it’s endurance vs. giving up, gentleness vs. harshness, self-control vs. self-indulgence, etc.
This distinguishing process creates clarity and will aid you in walking through this with your child.
Choose one.
For any of us, it can be easy to go down the list and decide to knock out all of the areas at one time. I mean, if you get them mastered by the time your child is in middle school, you should be good to go, right? Wrong. This will be a slow and steady adventure. Remember that it is a cumulative process.
What I have done with each child since they were born is designate one trait that year that we are going to be focusing on and praying through together. For one of my kids during the toddler years, it was not uncommon for me to encourage a love for obedience or a love for instruction. For one of my children recently, it was apparent we needed to talk through developing compassion for others and what that might look like, so in every battle with their siblings, I would ask the question, “What would it look like to show compassion to your brother or sister?” Then I would find a verse in the Bible covering that particular area and we would learn it together. I then pray that as the mom, God gives me eyes to see areas of opportunity to speak into during that year. I’ll give you a hint, they are not hard to find.
For another child this year we have been focusing on truthfulness vs deception. You get the picture. Assessing which virtue or character trait is most pressing in that season for that one child keep this task manageable.
Were there hundreds of other traits that I could bring up? Yes, but having one at a time helps you as the parent pace yourself, and it helps the child not feel unnecessary pressured with an entire sheet of values to exemplify. We are looking for progress and self-awareness, not perfection. If we are being honest, you and I are still being thrown into the fires of sanctification through parenting and marriage and life and job stresses, and so we know our children will have a lifetime of learning. Start with one trait and speak to it as often as you can during that designated season.
Remember, baby steps.
Find accountability.
When I first moved back to Texas after being in New York for 13 years, I found a sweet community of women who were willing to meet together regularly and walk through the practicalities of character training. It was invaluable for me as a parent of a then 11, 8, 6, and 3 year old. I felt like I needed accountability and direction and a way to organize my thoughts. Even though I had intentions, what it looked like in reality was quite different. These women have mentored and encouraged me to flesh out the goals I have as a mom.
It continues to be a safe group for me to ask ALL of the questions that come up and to process through my shortcomings and short fuses.
set the time.
Hands down, the most rewarding tool that I have learned from the Growing Families curriculum is to train in times of non-conflict. The best time to sit and talk to your child about a trait you wish they had is probably not during a time of emotional conflict. We know our own tendency when confronted with conflict is to close-up and defend in self-preservation. Training is something that can be incorporated into your family rhythms during morning time or in the evening at bedtime or anytime in between.
Resources
One valuable resource that has shaped much of our parenting is the Growing Families curriculum which was new to me at the time. While I didn’t necessarily adopt every principle word for word for our family, it was a mine of tools and encouragement. It’s also a reminder that we aren’t the only ones that struggle and if we stay the course as parents in training, there will be fruit produced in our children over time. If you are interested, now is a great time to check out the video series. Click HERE to access the Growing Families free video curriculum broken out by age. Please know it is told through a Christ-centered lens and uses the bible as the framework for instilling character in our children, so I understand if that is not your thing. However, you may still find it immensely helpful to find tools for navigating this parenting journey.
Any of Paul Tripp’s parenting videos or books are stellar. They are also told from a Christian perspective but I recommend them whole-heartedly.
In addition to the Book of Virtues and Children’s Book of Virtues listed above, our family has enjoyed Hero Tales - true stories from missionaries.There many other books on missionaries out there and they are a great place to talk about application and real life examples of some of these traits. Biographies can also be fabulous example of real people and what struggles they had to overcome and what character traits they possessed to help them be remembered today. The Who Was series is one of our favorites!
walk in grace.
Stop right now and take a deep breath. This is not meant to place one more burden around your neck as a parent. My desire is to come alongside of you and remind you that you can do this. If you accomplish nothing else in your years as a parent, I truly believe you will find it fulfilling to instill character and virtue into the hearts of your children a little at a time. Your children are being discipled by the music they listen to, the friends they chat with, the books they read, the movies they watch and you are the one chosen to be the primary influence in their lives during the younger years. You can choose to view this time as the privilege that it is and to be intentional in walking hand in hand with your child along this journey.
It is a lot of work. Yes, but you can do hard things for the areas that you find valuable. I want to encourage you to see this as worth all of the time, research, heartache, and processing.
Please know I am right there with you. I haven’t mastered this area of parenting, but I have found tools that have helped me press on when I didn’t want to keep going. I pray they help you in some way as well.
Remember, as with everything else, walk in grace and love. Anything you teach or talk about with your child needs to be saturated in love for them to keep an open ear. Your relationship with them is what matters most.
Cultivate it. Nourish it. Treasure it.