A Marriage on Mission

The temperatures dropped into the teens as expected that February evening. The sun retired while a wintry mix covered city streets, leaving slush and slurry at every corner. After an exhausting day at the office, it was finally time to head home in the dark. Everything felt so foreign. I didn’t recognize who I was - this married woman standing in that long overcoat amidst a city setting. I stood waiting for the bus drenched in doubt, vulnerability and anger.

We had embarked on this adventure of marriage, on uneven footing, just a few months prior. I was living a comfortable life in Austin, Texas. He was living in New York City the entire time we dated, and though he engaged in countless interviews for months leading up to our wedding, his job search was met with silence.

I remember the conversation well. At a client, talking softly so not to disturb my co-workers, we discussed the possibility of me leaving behind life in Austin to join him in NYC. Looking at the calendar, I realized our wedding date was rapidly approaching. Wedding gifts had already arrived: a lawn mower from Home Depot, fragile china from Dillard’s, and large appliances from Target - all unnecessary for city life.

I was in planning mode, and the plan was set. The apartment to be our married home was already occupied, and decorated for two. A move to New York City to start a life away from everything familiar was not on my to-do list.

As the days passed, conversations continued through prayers and tears, and we decided this was clearly the direction we should walk. My firm transferred me up to Manhattan with ease, and I grew in excitement for my new roles at work and home.

2003

We got married in November, traveled to Bogota, Columbia for a family wedding in December, and started to create life in a place where we knew no one. That moment in February, during the evening commute, waiting in the freezing weather for a bus that never came, was the moment a damaging thought pattern formed. It was one that challenged our marriage for years.

This was all his fault.

The rude comments of a passerby, the intense demands of my job, and the deep loneliness of my heart, was all his fault.

“You brought me here,” I would say under my breath bitterly at the end of an argument or debrief of the day.

Deep down, I didn’t intend to be accusatory, but it was the only way I knew to cry out for it to be fixed. I wanted him to change it, and make it all easier.

For several years, this undeserved blame clouded the joy one expects early on in marriage. While we enjoyed a lovely week away on a tropical island following our wedding, we definitely did not experience the “honeymoon” season most marriages boast.

We were flung into the unknown as two practical strangers, trusting that this was the right decision after all. Year after year passed. While we enjoyed plenty of sweet moments, daring adventures, and precious memories, there remained this subtle accusation in my heart that he was keeping me from the life I really wanted.

Then, I got a call from my dad. Evidently a Pastor we knew from my hometown in Texas was moving up with his family to start a church in the city. I hung up the phone, and sat with the irony of it all. After arriving in Manhattan we met with this Pastor over pizza and discussed his mission. I’ll never forget what he said to us after introductions.

“Have you ever thought that God brought you here for more than your resumes?” He asked.

Gulp. Honestly? We hadn’t.

We knew New York City was the land of dreams, and so our expectation was to build our resumes in order to live life comfortably elsewhere. God had other intentions.

Over the course of the next decade, my husband and I would shift plans, link arms, and surrender wills in light of this new mission. We began to see the city less as a place to “get ahead” and more of a people to serve. As we embraced this new mission and calling in a city we never planned to call home, God slowly began to shift the posture of my married heart.

It may sound like an easy transformation with words, but it was a tedious and painful process of pruning in my life. Slowly and imperfectly, I began to see the inconveniences of the city as part of a larger story. My joys, my tears, and my marriage were about so much more than me.

2020

We no longer call New York City home. Our mission has transitioned in setting, but not in scope.

We know the more our eyes are focused on one another, rather than what God has called us to do together, the deeper our frustrations grow. We view the daily tasks of parenting and such as if playing for the same team rather than competing ones, because of a common goal in light of eternity.

The reality is that in order for us to link arms in marriage, we need to link arms in mission; serving strengthens intimacy.

This weekend we will celebrate 17 years of marriage. While we continue to battle frustrations and disappointments like any relationship, one aspect has significantly changed the way we end our conversations. Rather than placing the blame on him, I am mindful to look to the One writing my story.

When I focus on His character and His promises, rather than my husbands’, my eyes stay fixed on the larger mission. I see the goodness of a Father that knows my heart more intimately than anyone because He created me. He knows what is best and safe and helpful. He can handle my tears, my accusations, and my doubt. My prayers of questioning are always met with, “Do you trust me?”

My answer, even through a tear soaked pillow is, “Yes, yes I do.”

I trust God because I have seen his faithfulness, especially in my marriage, over these seventeen years, and I trust His plan for seventeen more and then some.

Today, may I encourage you to not lose hope? God may be doing a painful work in your life right now. Remember that there is a greater enemy at work in this world, and his goal is to create discord and divide. He delights when we view others as the enemy, rather than focus on the mission ahead.

Regardless of whether you are married or not, link arms with those God has placed in your life today, remembering the mission to which you are called - to love and serve those around you. God will give you the strength to do it. It will increase your joy, strengthen your marriage, and allow great things to be done for the glory of God. I will pray to that end.