Chasing Balance

As long as I can remember, I have chased balance.

On any top three list of personal values, balance is consistently near the top. My mom concurred with my conclusion during a recent conversation. As a child, frustration would birth when things didn’t add up in my mind. After careful and conscientious analysis of each situation, each factor, and each challenge, a logical answer formed an expectation in my mind. When the picture of reality contradicted my expectation, it produced inner turmoil manifesting in a variety of behaviors.

This desire for balance, among other factors, led me to pursue a career in Accounting. The balancing of the debits and credits spoke poetry to my inner drive for order. With everything in its proper place, harmony and balance was formed and my heart satisfied. The balance of a ledger communicated stability, and after the ups and downs of my childhood, it became a driving desire to feel secure.

However, as with all things, time exposes truth. Evidently the life of a public accountant isn’t all about balance. Daytime hours turned into later and later evening hours on the job. Most days I began work in the dark before the sun rose, and left well after the sun had set.

After getting married and moving across the country to New York City, I transferred into a campus recruiting role with my firm. The main speaking point in every presentation was how our company enabled work + life balance. I knew the slides like the back of my hand, and confidently delivered the selling points on repeat to students hungry for acceptance. Yet that same evening, a driver would drop me off at home following another wine + dine recruiting event, and I would quietly slip into bed just in time to kiss my husband goodnight before another day began.

When I became a mom, it seemed as though time wasn’t the pressing issue of balance any longer. Balance became more of a mindset for me; a charge to not lose my identity as a woman while embracing this new role.

Then came the second child, the third, oh and then the fourth. Overwhelmed with the care and keeping of four children, I would lie awake wondering if all the children received equal time and attention that day. Had I done enough to fill each of their hearts up?

Let us not neglect the tension that lies in the pursuit of balance as a mom and a wife. Each evening I watched as my understanding husband received the remains of my energy after coming home from work. I began to slip further into discouragement and overwhelm; I just couldn’t keep up with the expectations I placed on myself.

Even now, as a homeschooling mom of four, balance is simply a word I’m teaching my children how to spell. There are many words that come to mind when we talk about homeschooling. Fun, adventurous, fruitful, and rewarding are some, but not balance.

While it remains a real word, the definition in my life has remained quite fluid. Balance continues to convey an abstract concept always lurching just out of reach. The achievement of it lies just around the corner, with the next year’s goals or wishful intentions, and just when I think I’ve obtained the essence of balance, something or someone throws it off kilter once again.

Can you relate?

As a mom in the middle years of life, I am asked this question time and time again: How do you balance it all?

My response is that I don’t. I know I’ve said it before, but I stopped aiming for balance several years ago. Instead, the following are the principles I focus on as I walk out this mysterious journey.

name the top three

Practically, I list my top three areas of focus for the day. Some days it involves children and dinner. Some days it’s writing and a workout. Other days it’s date night and rest. For me, balance is not realistically achieved in any one day.

A well-rounded life is more the one I’m after. Days and hours may focus on various interests and demands, alternating in weight and urgency, noting more of a comprehensive approach to time management.

Even as a mother, I’m reminded motherhood is not a day trade, it’s a life-long investment. With that perspective may we continue to serve, love, and give without expecting immediate feedback.

Focus on your top three and celebrate when you accomplish those. Then, rotate, if need be, and repeat.

ask for help

Asking for help does not come naturally for most of us, especially for me. I prided myself on self-sufficiency until I was crumbling every day in a puddle of tears. It was time to look around and consider what God had provided. During those years, God used many in our church community to fill in the gaps.

Today, my needs are different, as things that were once difficult now come easily. Whatever season you are in today, remember that it remains a season. It will most assuredly change. In the meantime, find what God has given that can help you right now, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

pursue peace + trust god with the rest

Balance implies an equal distribution of weight. I truly believe when I pursue balance as an end, I am constantly frustrated because each day requires a different area of focus. The shifting can feel downright discouraging if I’m trying to check off “all the things”. There needs to be a better “end” goal.

In a life with competing valuable endeavors, this verse anchors my heart.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Matthew 6:33 ESV”

Many days I take a step back and ask what is driving my pursuits of the day. Is there an agenda that needs to relax? Is there a relationship that needs investing? Is there noise that needs to be quieted in order to pursue that which is most important?

By pursuing peace over balance, I am reminded to fix my eyes on the One, not the many.

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3-4 ESV

Peace is fruit of a life fully surrendered to God in all areas. It is one thing for me to pursue peace rather than balance, but it is another to keep it there.

For peace to continue in my heart, I know that it takes a daily letting go. Sometimes I can laugh while I let my expectations go, and other times it feels as though my desires are being ripped out of my clenching grip. This journey is one of continual learning; it is one that rejoices in the good days and holds tightly to truth on the bad.

You and I will never be able achieve the balance we so desperately long for, but we can trust Him with the ups and downs. We can trust Him to meet our deepest desires amidst the chaos. We can trust that He will fill the gaps when can’t quite cover it all.

It’s called grace. While grace is costly, it remains free for our taking.

As we walk forward, may we strive less and receive more. May we find our security in that which does not change. And, may we be found with open hands ready to accept the gift of His grace and the fullness of His peace.