Beloved: Exchange Your Title

“What do you do?”

I used to love that question and welcomed it wholeheartedly.

Depending on the season, my answer would vary. For a season I was an auditor for one of the largest public accounting firms in the world.

Then after moving up to Manhattan from Austin, TX, I stayed with my firm and moved into an energizing and challenging role as a Campus Recruiter. I would meet with the best and brightest from NYU, Princeton, and Harvard to name a few. In addition, I was assigned multiple practices within the firm to help meet resource needs.

Over time, I developed relationships with key partners in the firm and one in particular hired me to work solely for his practice. It became my dream job that I didn’t know existed. I ordered sushi dinners, worked with CEOs and top clients and planned events around the City. Collaborating with industry leaders, I contributed feedback in setting the vision for the group and worked closely with clients to build relationships of trust for future work.

In addition to traveling to amazing hotels and conferences in dreamy places, it was not uncommon to hop on a plane for a meeting in Washington, D.C. and return just in time for dinner in my own apartment. To say that I loved the perks of a corporate card, an after-hours driver and an office would be an understatement.

It was about two years in that role as a manager that I heard the unexpected (and wonderful) words,

“I see a heartbeat!”

For the next nine months, I wrestled with how to continue this ‘dream’ journey. Though not perfect in any way, I felt so much satisfaction in what I was doing day to day. Before I go on, let me be the first to say that I recognize the incredible privilege of having the choice to work inside the home or outside. Many are left with only one choice and it may or may not be their first choice. For my husband and I, we knew it would require many more no’s along the way, but we were willing to embark on the one-salaried journey together.

Once my daughter was here, there were days that I couldn’t wait to get back to the heels and high rise kind of life. Other days, it was inconceivable to imagine ever going back to the days I had grown to love so much.

For years and years after, I was commonly asked by friend and stranger alike,

“What do you do?”

My answer became,

“I am just a mom.”

I don’t even think I realized that was my answer, but the “just” always accompanied my response until one day my husband stopped me in mid-sentence and outspokenly disagreed.

I smiled, but deep in my heart I felt the same way. I minimized my role. I didn’t feel like I had anything of value to contribute to anything from finances to a conversation with professionals anymore. My continued subscription to the Wall Street Journal aided in my outward confidence, but my struggle internally continued to deflate.

From my closest group of friends in the City, I could count on one hand the number of people who were at home vs. my friends who were working outside the home. I felt alone. I doubted with each and every day if I had made the right choice even though I was beyond grateful for the opportunity and adored my children.

The years I was losing professionally were being marked by watching co-workers get promotions, raises and new experiences. My own parents and husband were my greatest cheerleaders in those years of trying to figure out my new identity. I needed time. I needed to cry and vent. I needed to doubt and break down. I also needed time to learn to love and value my new role, not as “just” a mom but as “full-time” mom.

Photo: Shannon Ho @ www.overflowcreativestudio.com

To be honest, I still wrestle with my identity deep inside, but I celebrate that as my children have grown older, I see the value more clearly little by little. The open dialogue. The honest discussions. The tenderness of relationship even in the pre-teen years reminds me that it is valuable to be present and intentional with our kids, whether you work in a home or out.

The problem is that in my mind I still battle the need to justify my decision to stay home in a culture that is increasingly incentivizing and praising a successful woman outside of the home. Affirmation comes in many forms, but I have to acknowledge the value of the role as mom in my own heart first before I can accept the encouragement from those on the outside.

I admit I am a doer and I tend to strive toward the desire to feel significant, but the striving is exhausting and I recognize my need for constant reminders that my identity is in something other than being a mom or a wife.

There are many areas where we can feel on the sidelines watching every one else move forward with a life we think will be fulfilling.

The unseen parts of your life, however, can become the most valuable as you learn to rely on the only One who can truly see you and love you for who you are.



In Henri Nouwen’s book, Discernment, he reminds the reader in his chapter on discerning identity that we are bearers of God’s image and spirit. He says,

“We slowly learn to see, within our very own hearts, the reflection of the one who breathed life into us. There we come to the remembrance of God, who loved us before we were born and before we could love ourselves or try to prove ourselves worthy of love… It is a real struggle to claim our belovedness. Living in the midst of a demanding, pulling and pushing world makes it difficult to remember how we are in God and how to live this divine life here and now…Whether we do anything worthwhile, prove anything important or give anything of value, God still loves us unconditionally…This is not an easy identity to claim because to deserve the being loved in our society requires us to be successful, popular, or powerful…But God does not require our success, popularity, or power in order to love us.”

I realize that I continue to strive in certain areas in order to prove my worthiness and it has nothing to do with whether I am a mom or not.

Discerning how to live the divine life here and now requires my heart to be tuned into His.

It requires my eyes to be fixed on His perspective.

It requires my mouth to speak His truth to myself.

If any of this resonates with you, let me speak to you heart to heart and eye to eye. If you have the gift of being a mom and that is your daily and primary role in your family, whether single or married, you are making a difference in your world that will outlast any dollar bill, any business deal, any resume or any incentive. You are discipling a generation that will give to the next generation and your impact will continue long after the here and now.

Stay true to that calling. Know it is valuable.

Let’s remind ourselves that we are never “just” moms, but soul-shapers, character-builders and heart-cultivators. We are tear-wipers, cry-comforters and nourishment-providers.

If you are in a season where you feel like you are waiting for a certain season to come, take heart and remember it will not define your identity any more than the season you are in right now, because we all have the opportunity to be called, Beloved. We are God’s children and whether your mom is alive or not, whether we are a mom or not, whether we ever will have that role pales in comparison to the title bestowed upon you by your Heavenly Father and Creator.

Start today.

Exchange “just a mom” for Beloved.

Exchange “single” for Beloved.

Exchange “not a mom” for Beloved.

Exchange “(fill in the blank)” for Beloved.

Henri Nouwen recommends this exercise and I want to share it with you:

“For a week, start and end your day with the words, “I am the beloved of God.” Journal at the end of the week about how these words sounded to you in your heart at the beginning and end of the week. How do they affect your openness to discerning God’s healing work in your life?”

Press on, friends, knowing this story is so much bigger than you and I. Your identity can be rooted in something that never changes.

You are His Beloved.